Signed, Exhausted

I thought i'd dive back into ADHD for a bit. I mean, that's why i started this blog in the first place, right? Lately it's been weighing heavily on me - weighing me down, actually. So much that i started researching ADHD again, and affects of it. Lately i have just felt so exhausted. I am mentally exhausted. It is exhausting waking up every morning and being ME. Every day, i manage to find something to bitch about. Something is out of place in the house. Something was not cleaned properly. Something was knocked over and not picked up. People not thinking the way i think. UGH! I just want to scream some days.

I look forward to getting back in bed after work. Not so much like a depressed hermit.. more like i want some alone time, my bed is comfy and cozy, and i can just relax. Sidenote: Relax? What's that mean? The term 'relax' has not been a term present in my vocabulary. Much of my life, neither myself or my body knew what that word even meant, let alone how to execute it. But after adjusting since COVID for over two years, i've found my 'me' time. It's sitting home, after work, watching TV and (sometimes) eating a big bowl of popcorn. Or i'll read a book. Or i'll clean the house. Whatever i want to do, i do it, and no one can stop me, judge me, tell me what to do - nothing!

But it's exhausting being ME. It's exhausting making sure my kitchen is clean to my standards. It's exhausting keeping my house clean having two dogs. It's exhausting having to be a personal reminder for some people (my boyfriend). It's exhausting having to remember to take my medicine, drink water throughout the day, feed the dogs, give one dog her medicine, hang my towel up, brush my teeth, make a protein smoothie, to eat, put the grocery bags back in the trunk, change that lightbulb, do laundry..... like oh my God, the list goes on and on and on. It's exhausting being so organized and orderly. Because contrary to studies about ADHD, i am actually very tidy and organized; i am not messy and i almost never lose stuff. Everything has a place; that's why i'm always buying baskets and totes and containers at Target. And this is every. single. day. No wonder my therapist prescribed a sleep aid to shut my brain off enough to get some meaningful rest each night. It's Benadryl, basically. I take a Benadryl every night to knock my ass out because my brain does not allow me to get enough rest. Not just sleep.. actual rest.

But i am exhausted. And it tends to affect my relationship as well. No matter how much someone helps me, it will never be good enough. It just won't. I have created and am living in my own personal Hell. I have come to grips that there is no fixing it. I simply cannot get angry because i can only be angry at myself for being angry, if that makes any sense. Here's an example: my boyfriend can clean the sink by putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Ahh so helpful, one less thing for me to do. But wait.. i open the dishwasher and things are literally just thrown in there! "How is this supposed to get clean if this is on top of this.. blah blah blah" That. That right there, is my Hell. While he did help me out, I, Allyson, did not agree with how he loaded the dishwasher. Therefore i had to fix it, thus getting angry because, "how is loading the dishwasher correcting and neatly such a hard thing to do??" i ask myself. So by the end of it all, to me, my boyfriend was of no help at all. Not only that, something i just read about was how ADHD affects intimacy. Like oh my gosh, what? Something else?!? Yea.. something else, Allyson. Something else you can't just naturally accomplish without putting forth extra effort. For the longest, i thought i was missing something. The Big O, as they say. (ugh this is hard to type knowing people are reading it but i have to vow to be honest) Yea, that doesn't happen for me. It just doesn't. Intimacy doesn't always interest me because that thing doesn't happen. My mind won't allow it. ADHD can have tendency in some individuals to make intimacy unenjoyable. Basically your partner needs to work a little harder so that your needs are being met. But what if your partner thinks you are not interested in them, because you are simply.. you? In other words, i don't always show interest or make the first move, simply because i am 1) exhausted and 2) just not in the mood. When he makes a move, it's great, we have fun, it's a good time; there's nothing wrong there. I feel like that was a lot of words to basically say.. ADHD has played a major role there because i am unable to relax and focus. My mind is on other things and not in the moment. Not all the time, but most of the time. And if you know, you kinda need to be present in the moment. Like how shitty does that make me feel??

Ugh anyway, enough about that stuff. But it's real, and i needed to get it off my chest. Now i need to maybe have a discussion with my partner about what i've recently discovered, and maybe we can work on it. But its just exhausting being me. 

And now that i've taken up powerlifting and training for my first meet coming up soon, i am physically exhausted too LOL. So couple my mental and physical exhaustion, and you've got one tired girl. I thank you for reading, whoever you may be. I needed to get this off my chest and share. This is definitely a love/hate example. I love how organized and clean i can be, but hate how the slightest disturbance can affect my mental and the people around me. I need a nap.

Signed,

    ~Exhausted.