My love/hate relationship with ADHD

I recently had a brain scan done. Just when I thought i knew everything there was to know about myself, my eyes were opened much wider. If you've been reading my blog posts, you can probably see that while i know myself and understand how i operate, i still struggle to cope and adjust at times. Often, actually. But this brain scan was the cherry. The word for this experience: validation. Internet research has helped validate some things i'd be curious about, but this brain scan.. THIS RIGHT HERE.. took the cake! Based on the questionnaire, i presented difficulty with 'Regulation of emotional output (anxiety/depression)' and she explained to how ADHD fell into and played a role there. High level description of my experience: they put a mesh cap on your head with a bunch of wires and water-soluble gunk that help read your brain waves. You sit there for 10min, VERY still, with your eyes closed. Then again but with your eyes open. The guy administering my test was sitting b...

Believe it or not, naturally, i am an angry individual. ADHD flows deep when it comes to my anger. And as i've gotten older, i've learned to step back and process my thoughts and emotions before reacting; that could take a day, two, or however long. But even taking a step back has bitten me in the ass at times. So its either you want me to spazz out and flip a fucking table.. or you allow me to process and come back with some clarity and better wording. Take your pick. That's it. Thats the blog. Okay i'm kidding, i'll explain. Emotional dysregulation is when someone has difficulty controlling their emotions. This is not some major diagnosis; its just a name for it, its often related to disorders like ADHD or BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder). It can even happen after a traumatic brain injury. To be more specific, in this case, feelings of anger can be expressed by shouting, throwing things, physically harming someone or themselves.. similar to an extreme outburst or temper ta...

     I always understood the word 'empath' as a.. a superpower, of sorts. Like, you had to have really  strong feelings about a situation, that isn't yours to bear, to have literal tears running down your face right now; to be feeling as though it were you going through that situation. But i don't think it is like that at all. I don't think it is as  strong as i make it out to be. When you Google it, even that definition doesn't give it so much weight; "highly attuned to others' emotions." It's exactly that. And over the years, i've always wondered why i'd get so emotional when someone tells me a problem they're facing, or tells about the loss of a loved one, etc. Or why when someone gives me good news about a promotion at work, or pregnancy/engagement, etc, i tend to feel that same joy and excitement. I've had people ask me questions about their recent ADHD diagnosis and it not only sent me into a joyous, helpful spiral, in som...

As I reflect on a decade of changes, I am feeling grateful. When I entered my twenties, I was a mere child. A baby deer, learning to use its legs for the first time. I was weak. I didn’t know who I was. I trusted easily; trusted everyone. I told my business to the world, looking for advice most times, to only have people use it as ammo later. I hated my body, my image; I had low self-esteem. I went away for college. I prioritized my relationship before education most of the time. I befriended people I thought would have my back, but quickly turned on me. I moved off campus to get away, and I really only left college with two people I’d be interested in keeping in contact with, M & J, among many acquaintances. I graduated. I broke up with R because i was not getting the same energy I was giving. I got a job in my major (barely). It was so boring but it paid the bills and I did gain experience. R graduated. I got a job MORE in my field, three hours away from home. I told R to look fo...

 Dear T and entourage.. I remember the day almost as if it were yesterday. I was in my dorm room, when i get a text - you've summoned me to your room upstairs. It was out of the ordinary, but i thought nothing more of it. I enter your room to find you sitting on your bed, and my current roommate (whom you've befriended), her boyfriend, and your younger sister also present in the room. My thoughts are, "What, is this an intervention?" I sit down. Here is where things get fuzzy. Once you started talking, it started to sync in that this was an attack. It was carefully orchestrated; you'd been discussing this for a while with your little entourage how to do it and when. There were many things that were said, but two things stuck out and lived rent-free in my head ALL this time. 1) you did R's hair one day, added moisturizer and other products to help with his curl pattern and such. Your sister overheard a conversation between him and i on the bus trip to NYC, wher...

I have a need..... a need for twe - to feel heard/seen. -The Office Reference, i had to.. But on a serious note.. my therapist gave me some homework: How important is it for me to feel seen or heard; understood? "Daaaaaaamn." was my reaction during therapy today. Not quite like Craig and Smokey from "Friday" but close enough! My therapist was really adamant that there was something, small, underlying; some type of depression or feeling that was triggering my anger. (we are still working on controlling our emotions, by the way) I couldn't really see it at first, and then i was like, "Oh my gosh! What if i have this constant need to feel seen or understood, lingering in the background?" And if so, i dont foresee this resolving itself... like EVER. ADHD is soo misunderstood. All the research in the world can be performed, but everybody experiences it differently; it's mind boggling! For example, contrary to popular belief, i am VERY organized; i am no...