My love/hate relationship with ADHD

 Dear T and entourage.. I remember the day almost as if it were yesterday. I was in my dorm room, when i get a text - you've summoned me to your room upstairs. It was out of the ordinary, but i thought nothing more of it. I enter your room to find you sitting on your bed, and my current roommate (whom you've befriended), her boyfriend, and your younger sister also present in the room. My thoughts are, "What, is this an intervention?" I sit down. Here is where things get fuzzy. Once you started talking, it started to sync in that this was an attack. It was carefully orchestrated; you'd been discussing this for a while with your little entourage how to do it and when. There were many things that were said, but two things stuck out and lived rent-free in my head ALL this time. 1) you did R's hair one day, added moisturizer and other products to help with his curl pattern and such. Your sister overheard a conversation between him and i on the bus trip to NYC, wher...

I have a need..... a need for twe - to feel heard/seen. -The Office Reference, i had to.. But on a serious note.. my therapist gave me some homework: How important is it for me to feel seen or heard; understood? "Daaaaaaamn." was my reaction during therapy today. Not quite like Craig and Smokey from "Friday" but close enough! My therapist was really adamant that there was something, small, underlying; some type of depression or feeling that was triggering my anger. (we are still working on controlling our emotions, by the way) I couldn't really see it at first, and then i was like, "Oh my gosh! What if i have this constant need to feel seen or understood, lingering in the background?" And if so, i dont foresee this resolving itself... like EVER. ADHD is soo misunderstood. All the research in the world can be performed, but everybody experiences it differently; it's mind boggling! For example, contrary to popular belief, i am VERY organized; i am no...

Am i even worthy of love? Am i even worthy of a companion? Someone to put up with my shit for the rest of their lives?  Today is not a good mental day. I've been following this page on Instagram about ADHD, and have been learning so much more about it and myself. For instance, Rumination . It means to ponder or "chew on something, usually negative experiences. It's redrived from what a cow does when it regurgitates its food to chew on it again *BARF*. So for me, at least, I usually experience this with negative experiences or negative situations that haven't happened yet. Well today i guess i woke up in a bad mood (i didn't feel like i did), and when we left from the gym and got gas, i was just standing there with disgust on my face. I had an attitude, R would try and talk to me, give me a kiss, kept touching me with his sweaty sleeve.. i was just not having it. Then i came home and proceeded to cook my breakfast, i started the dishwasher knowing that with it runni...

Shew.. clutch your pearls, kids. Before I begin, I want to reiterate that my whole purpose for blogging, is to get nagging thoughts out of my brain, and onto paper, no matter who sees. But also, looking at the numbers on my posts, ain’t nobody really reading these lol. It has seemed to help me heal in the past, and so I’d like to keep going. “If you’ve ever been personally victimized by…” (Mean Girls lol) Anyway.. This all seems to have started after my experience in college, talked about in a previous post somewhere. And I think I have gradually gotten stronger and more protective of myself since then. However, I feel like I’ve been tested this past year. I’ve been put in positions where I could either dwell on it and feel sad.. weak.. less-than.. a total victim. OR, I could take it for what it is, nothing more, nothing less, file it in my mental filing cabinet for when I need it later, and keep it pushing. I’ve been calling it ‘accepting energy’. The energy you are giving, I am rec...

Hello, all who find the time to stop by and read. I've been busy (kinda) and thought i'd give an update - it's been a while since i wrote.. My gym friend B, from my last post, convinced me to sign up for a powerlifting meet; it's coming up in December. So for the past 4 months, i've been training with a coach/friend and i've been really enjoying it. I think i will be able to get some pretty big numbers for my very first meet so i am excited. Umm.. i am still on anxiety meds and i feel like they are helping. As of recently, i've ironically grown more comfortable with being at home. In fact, i look forward to jumping back in bed after work LOL. It sounds like a deep rooted problem or something.. but honestly i don't think it is. I think i've adjusted to remote working and i thoroughly enjoy sitting in my house, something i own ..i'll come back to this.. *Update, May 18th - wayyyyyyy past my meet lol I won my weight-class for my age (i was the only ...