Busy Brains... REALLY Busy

I recently had a brain scan done. Just when I thought i knew everything there was to know about myself, my eyes were opened much wider. If you've been reading my blog posts, you can probably see that while i know myself and understand how i operate, i still struggle to cope and adjust at times. Often, actually. But this brain scan was the cherry. The word for this experience: validation. Internet research has helped validate some things i'd be curious about, but this brain scan.. THIS RIGHT HERE.. took the cake! Based on the questionnaire, i presented difficulty with 'Regulation of emotional output (anxiety/depression)' and she explained to how ADHD fell into and played a role there.

High level description of my experience: they put a mesh cap on your head with a bunch of wires and water-soluble gunk that help read your brain waves. You sit there for 10min, VERY still, with your eyes closed. Then again but with your eyes open. The guy administering my test was sitting behind me watching his screen, but he could tell if i was clinching my jaw or blinking, he could see any facial movements JUST from looking at the screen - it was insane. Then i proceeded to answer like an 8-page questionnaire about myself and my habits/characteristics. And thennn there was a computer portion - a concussion test - which obviously i did not have a concussion, but the modules i had to perform produce accurate data on how fast my brain is processing stuff. An example was a module where i had to select all the happy faces, and then there would be a series of people's facial expressions that would flash on the screen, and i'd had about 3sec to decide if they were happy. If happy, i'd hit the space bar. If not, i do nothing. After doing them like 5 times, each a different emotion to look out for, i started to recognize whether i had seen an emotion from a specific person's face as i neared the end of that portion. Those modules put my brain to work, boy; i felt pressure afterwards similar to working a long work day or a typical school day full of learning and retaining info.

There's a lot to unpack with these brain scan results. I was fully engaged during our findings appointment, where the doctor explained all the results, but what i failed to do was take notes because i was just so fascinated by what she discovered, so this is all based off memory lol. The first thing that comes to mind when i recall our discussion was my brain processing speed. So processing speed is measured in hertz, and the scale only goes up to 15Hz. The average healthy human being sits at roughly 9.8Hz, with 11Hz being exceptional as she stated. MY brain speed (yes, i'm bragging, bite me lol) is a whopping 13.3 Hz - she's very fast😁 The Beta diagram (problem-solving, decision-making, cognitive tasking) showed LOTS of activity; my brain is constantly processing everything around me. This is good when it comes to, again, problem-solving and decision-making; basically what i do at work all day in the IT field. However, this is where the exhaustion comes in. Guys.. come in close while i tell you this.. i'm exhausted. Every day. Because of this, this right here, the constant processing. Let me paint you a picture, set the scene: my alarm goes off in the morning for the gym, i'm waking up. Picture a scene where a person opens a door to their auto garage, flicks the light on. Blows dust off the workbench. Looks at the radio, one with those long antennas, turns it on - music starts playing. They organize their tools and get to work. ← That's my brain, every day. Even down to the music - a recent song i've heard will start playing in my head as the thoughts start to roll in - intrusive, bad, good, what to expect at work today, what am i doing at the gym this morning, etc. And this goes on all day, until i fall asleep again. I was telling someone, based on this information, i can accurately convey to you that if i were to wake up and sit on the couch for 8 hours, maybe just watch TV, and do nothing else but sit on that couch, i'd still go to bed exhausted. My brain never stops..

Now, to elaborate on the Beta activity and all that's going on there. That constant processing i was talking about is just about everything around me; anything within ear shot or eye sight. I'll use our recent trip to a baseball game as an example. On the train to the stadium, i could hear others' around me conversations. Not only do i hear them, i'm listening, retaining, taking in what they are talking about. I'm listening to the recording of the each stop we make. I'm holding a conversation with R.. trying, at least. i'm thinking about what food i want to get at the park, where our seats are, do we have time to stop in the store before the game starts, will the gates be open when we get there.. it goes on and its happening all at once. Fast-forward to game time. There is a friend group with their children in front of us. No one else around worth focusing on except them, who keep getting up to get food, drinks, snacks, take the kids to the play ground, do the 7th inning stretch, gossip about mutual friends.. my eyes directed to this woman's phone screen at one point when she was showing her friend pictures of her daughter, at which under my breathe i uttered, "aww.." like what? like i know these people? Anyway i enjoyed the game, but i went home with more information about these strangers i've never spoken a single word to than i'd wanted. I've been to baseball games before, since i was young, but this time was different. The crowd of people was becoming overwhelming, walking around trying to decide what vendor to eat from was mentally taxing, and navigating the team store was much much worse than before. I managed, but i was noticing all of it for the first time, and I'm starting to think i can't handle crowds anymore.

Something else that was fascinating.. apparently my brain only likes to take in but so much info about a subject. Let's use pickleball as an example. My friends and i picked up pickleball last year, and the one friend who taught everyone and is really big into the game was showing me the ropes. I'm a fast learner (thanks, brain!) so i was picking up the rules and rhythm quickly. Once i'd had enough info, i was ready to really enjoy the game. However, there were things i would skip over or "forget" to do. My friend tells me i could be so good and compete, if i listened to his tips and learned the serves and developed the strategy. That was where my brain said, "Uh thanks, but no thanks." If i have the complete information about something, i won't enjoy it or get the same purpose out of it anymore. And i've not played pickleball since last summer..

Next thing i found fascinating ('Another one' - DJ Khaled) was if given a set of data, like a big set, my brain has already processed it once i've laid my pretty little eyes on it. My brain says, "Okay, we just processed this data and its a no from me, dawg." - She gets overwhelmed. Like she (notice i refer to my brain as a 'she') sees it, recognizes it needs to be completed, but without guidance or instruction on how to complete it, "Nope, don't like that." -Michael Scott. Along with that, i have great memory - i have that thing where i can remember something based on what i could see around me. Let's say someone asked if i texted so-and-so about lunch on Sunday. I can recall when i was typing the msg, what happened around sending that msg, what was i doing, was i on my way somewhere? etc. - i can go in my brain and recall the exact imagery of me sending that text, in order to provide, "Yes, i did text them about lunch, cuz i remember i was on my walk at the park and i was turning at that bend by the pavilion when i sent it and i remember them replying shortly after. By that time i was passing the community garden cuz i'd stopped to look at the plants.." anyway, yeah i have that too. I can be given a small set of data, and recall it at a later time. Example: someone asks me about a user and their access to something - "Did you give so-and-so access to this?" Somehow, some way, i can pull that name from my memory bank and tell whether i gave them access to blank, AND if anything else came about with that user - did i talk to them, did they respond to confirm access, did i help them with anything else at the time i was giving them the access.. it's been quite the skill in my line of work, and it makes me frickin ecstatic to confirm these things i've wondered all along. I truly feel like a superhuman when these things happen!

*Ya'll.. i'm SO sorry i made you read all that. I Googled it after typing and realized its called an eidetic memory <facepalm> and i decided to leave it. But hey, at least you have a visual*

One more thing i remembered, a not so good find.. informative and eye-opening.. but not the most fun. My brain scan found and illustrated the part of my brain where i ruminate and fall into a rabbit hole. There was this orange portion which indicated the processing, and then this red splotchy portion which indicated the rabbit hole, or really deep processing. And when i say processing, i mean anything, not one specific thing. It could be old memories, present issues, thoughts of the future, anything that decided to insert itself into my brain. But 95% of the time, it is negative thoughts or memories. Things i should have said, should have done, how could it have gone differently, you're not good enough to be a wife, you're a bad dog mom, friend, sister.. ya know, self-loathing. It's tough, some days, i'm not gonna lie. But my therapist gave me a 'toolbox' - a list of factors to check - that bring me back to reality. And it has really helped! 

If you find you have a busy brain like me, there are several ways to get a grasp of it. The first step is learning as much as you can about yourself and be willing to change some things if necessary; it's going to take some serious self-reflection. Then explore, with a doctor or therapist, options of managing that busy brain of yours. There is of course medication, but if you don't want to start there, you can look into supplements that support focus; i think gummies are big right now. I've even done my research on medical cannabis; if used as prescribed, certain strains can help quiet the intrusive thoughts, dial in focus, and improve your mood all at once. those are just a couple options that quickly come to mind, but there is probably many more options out there; i'd discuss with your doctor or therapist, though. 

So yeaaa i kinda bragged about my speedy brain, i mean it comes in handy more often than not. But.. with great power, comes gr- na i'm not going there. It comes with it's challenges, its faults, its difficulties. But i feel i am a vessel for others who may have zero clue about themselves, or may have just been diagnosed recently - i want to help people. i want the world to better understand us, to know that not everyone learns the same or interprets the same, and that everyone should approach others with kindness and grace - and i think that last part goes for everyone, regardless of a busy brain. I just hope i reach at least one person with my experiences, so that they may take a the step to better understand themselves.

til next time ✌