2020 - what a time to be alive.. and WELL!

 WOW. i just read what i wrote back in September, and i come back almost a year later. Did you miss me?

I kept telling myself i need to get back to blogging; it really helped me cope with internal thoughts and feelings. The daily life of one with ADHD is always a struggle. Let's quickly update you since last September:

March 16th, 2020, My boyfriend and i were sitting at a long rectangle table, signing the papers to our NEW HOUSE!!! Yes, we bought a house and i am so excited and proud of us! It's a nice little 3bed, 2bath house with an unfinished basement, and plenty of fun upgrading projects. When the basement is finished, it will be a 4bed, 3bath (well oddly, the 3rd bath is actually finished down there, but that's it). On top of the house, let's go ahead and add the fact that we are in the middle of a PANDEMIC right about now. Yup, good ole COVID-19; the virus that spread from China to all over the globe. The week we signed the papers, the country was slowly shutting down. And i remember exactly because that day, the 16th, the governor had announced the closure of all indoor dining effective at 5pm that day, and we were starving by 12p. That was the week before my birthday. I went to work like normal for the rest of the week, until Thursday at 4p, when we got the news to not come in Friday. They said take your work materials home for the day so they can clean the office all day Friday.. and we haven't returned since. I have been working from home since March 20th, and let me tell you...

This is new for me. Most people work from home on a regular basis. To some, it is a daycare as well. They watch their children while working in a home office, while the other spouse heads into physical work. For women, the chores may get done, the house is always clean and tidy, and dinner is ready when the husband gets home. For men, could be the same, could be different. My point being, working from home to most is convenient. To someone like me? It was a prison. Now, i don't want to downplay my job in ANY way; i LOVE my job! But it was working from home that knocked me off kilter. My mind would race, as it usually does. Everything was closed due to the virus so i couldn't go anywhere to free myself. 24/7 stores like Walmart were closing at 7p, no inside dining, no retail stores to drop unnecessary amounts of money (you'd think i saved money but there was still the web), and NO. GYM. I mean any normal person would think, "Wow, i get a new house and now i get to enjoy it even more by staying home to work?! How neat!" But no, not me. I was going insane. After leaving the office that Thursday, i had no idea i would be working from home indefinitely. Silly me figured it wouldn't be long before we were back, so i had only grabbed my laptop. For 4 months i was working off one screen - my laptop - while sitting on the couch. Being a network admin, this was not optimal. So in June i invested in a tabletop desk, and finally was able to run back in the office to snag my monitors, keyboard, and mouse to set up shop in our spare room. "Ahhh, this is so much better!" But let's back up a hair, because those 4 months were brutal..

I was bored. Not from lack of work, but from lack of company. Lack of substance. Lack of social interaction. I love my boyfriend so much, but his face was the only one i'd see everyday. I missed walking around an office, helping those in IT need, giving others a break from the workday to chat about a topic outside of work. I missed bothering my boss about tasks LOL. And i missed my desk plant. Omg can you just think about all the office plants people have that have just died in this time? Anyway, it's been hard, to say the least. Call it being dramatic, but being confined to these same walls everyday were taxing. I needed that commute between work and home. Now my commute was shutting my laptop; it wasn't enough for me. I'd bury myself in gardening and buying plants from Lowe's because it was practically the only store still open. While i found joy in that, it still wasn't enough. My boyfriend found an alternative to the gym, and bought a punching bag to box downstairs in the basement; that wasn't fun for me.*ugh, for the sake of typing 'my boyfriend', we'll just call me "R" from now on* I would talk to, play with, and love on my dogs throughout the day, but it still wasn't enough. R would come home to me crying sometimes because i just couldn't find anything to do to occupy my mind enough, and give me the escape i was craving. And then, when i did go out, my anxiety would sometimes trigger. *With ADHD, sometimes comes anxiety.* I would be at a store and people either wouldn't be wearing their mask, or they'd be standing less than 6ft away, all in my bubble. People would be rude and nasty, as if we all aren't going through the same crisis. Then i'd come home crying again because i was so anxious with everything going on in the world. It was like i really couldn't go ANYWHERE to escape.

My mental health was taking a toll. I was too afraid to go home to visit my parents because of the fear of being asymptomatic and passing it to them, who were high-risk. Too afraid to see my friends for the same reason. We couldn't have any friends come visit and see the new house because the state was on lockdown, so it was too risky to even travel if you weren't deemed 'essential personnel'. We still have not made many friends in this town, but even if we did, we couldn't see them because of the risks associated with the virus. I mean i was going through it. Thank God for video calls, so i could at least SEE my family and friends. I think i had about 3 panic attacks in these 3 months; it was such an abrupt adjustment to my normal routine. And then it was finally time, or "safe enough" for my parents to come up and see our house. I had been so excited to show them, and my mom (best friend) was heartbroken she couldn't be apart of it all back in March, and was also very excited to see it. BUT my stepdad got sick just TWO DAYS before coming, and was hospitalized (diabetes - take care of your bodies, people), and car troubles prevented them from coming for at least another month. Ohh I had just about had it. I had gotten myself so excited for all this just to crumble; i lost it. Another panic attack. I was worried for my stepdad's health, i was concerned for my mom because she was lonely and holding back tears on our calls, because she just missed him (COVID prevented any and all visitation). I broke down. My anxiety spiked and all i wanted was to see my mom. i just wanted to go home and see them. Screw showing them the house, i think i wanted to see them more than show them the house. Typing this has me teary-eyed because they STILL haven't been able to come up yet. But ADHD has its pros and cons. Cons had to be the anxiety episode i was having, but the pro was the urge to just GO! Pack a bag, i don't need fancy clothes because i am not going anywhere, grab my toothbrush and some soap, and just GO! I told R i just couldn't wait any longer to see my parents. I have to go, i need to go home. And i left. 3 hours later, i arrived at 10:30p and i could breathe again.

I feel like i have rambled enough here; you get the point. By now, i've adjusted to working from home. Places have opened back up a bit so there are things to do again. The gym is open so we are back at it, 5 days a week at 5am! *flexes bicep for dramatic effect* My dogs want to go out what seems like every 10 minutes so they keep me moving throughout the day. I love to cook so i find recipes to try on my lunch break. And occasionally, i'll make a Target run ;) I have tackled some house projects like paint the kitchen cabinets. I have decorated around the house, making it more and more home-y. Friends and family have been able to visit. I tidy up when work gets slow. I am getting the hang of working from home, but there good days and bad days; more good than bad now. 

Ahh, it's so weird how better i feel getting this out and on "paper." Til next time...