it's 2019 and a lot has happened

Gosh it’s been a while; I don’t know where to begin. I graduated college and had been working as a network engineer over night for a year and a half. Just this past March I had gotten a new job that was 3 hours away from home and required me to relocate; I think it was time to leave the nest. While my mom didn’t want me to leave (no mother wants her babies to go) she was also ready, in a sense. I moved 3 hours away to a new area, where I only knew ONE other person (my friend’s father who got me the job, and also worked for the same company). At this time, my boyfriend and I had been on some rocks, but we were finally getting back to where we once were. He had just graduated a year ago and was still looking for jobs in his major. We were just talking about how there would be more opportunity outside of our hometown, and how he’d need to look elsewhere or stay stagnant at his labor-intensive job. I got so excited at the idea of him moving in and us living together, I started looking for jobs for him in the area, hoping to have something lined up before I moved, so we could move together. He had been searching too but was coming up short.

*exert: you know how you job search on those massive search websites like Indeed, and it says apply thru Indeed, but you’re unsure if you’ve even applied or if they will ever see it? Yea, that’s what he was doing. So I would take him to the actual sites of the companies, to get some numbers to contact and follow up. Some never received a resume, others did – go figure.*

So long story short, he end sup finding a job, they love him, want to hire him practically the next day, but with having to relocate, he gave his 2-weeks notice to his current job and let the new job know he was excited and would be available on such date. So I packed up all my stuff and moved to the opposite side of the state, and a week later, so did he.

It’s been very challenging to say the least; I have been hit with reality once again. I had just enough stashed to get me through the move, what with first month’s rent, deposits, moving truck, etc. And while I could go on about how babyboomers didn’t make it essentially “fair” for us youngsters, and the realities of bills and trying to afford living while on a tight income and being $30,000 in college also made no sense, I figured I’d skip all that because, well, you already know. The constant feeling of being broke and wondering if you’d have enough in your account to pay bills set in. I have a dog (Molly) and just my luck, all her annual vaccines were due when I moved; that cost quite a bit on top of moving. Adding renter’s insurance, adding a monthly rental payment t all the bills you already had, wifi, electric, water.. it all becomes overwhelming for a while. Not to mention I was used to getting paid weekly versus bi-weekly. It took me a while to get a handle on it.

So with moving to a new area, comes moving away from all that you know. I’m really close to my mom, like she’s me best friend. I can’t go a day without calling her at least once, but it’s always more than just one call a day. And both our companies have skype so we skype throughout the day when I want to say “hi” or have a random question. So moving away from the family just felt like college all over again, but I get to visit any time I want. I also moved away from all my friends. Most importantly, my 2 bestest friends, sisters even. It was so easy to just link up late at night or on a weekend and go out for a drink or cheap pizza at our favorite local bar. Now we have to schedule time off work to visit each other, and that can get tricky. Calling, Facetime, texting.. it’s nice but it’s not the same. BUT since moving, they have visited once, together, and it was a really fun time; I miss them.

So with moving relatively fast, leaving friends and family behind, not having any money, and not being oh so perfect with the boyfriend still, all on top of already never liking myself, having insecurities, feeling like I wasn’t doing enough for myself, I just began to crumble. I felt alone, my boyfriend and I would fight all the time. Every time I turned around, a bill would come out; I never looked forward to pay day anymore. I was sick of studying for my Security+ exam that I failed a year ago now. I just wasn't happy anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore, but who am I kidding? I've always felt like I didn't know who I was. But this time felt worse. 

I tried therapy - that place was a joke. I've never done therapy before, but that place ripped me off, and I was in a whole long battle with them dealing with insurances and stuff. I never went back. I figured it was all in my head. That the pressures I was feeling would go away because I DID get hit with a lot, I just needed to breathe. And after all that, I have finally found a way to manage. But some days i do still feel alone [I have stopped capitalizing my I's because my pinky hurts - i wish Blogger would just auto cap for me].

My safe space was the gym for the past year and a half. I have found comfort and peace when i am there. The stupid arguments my boyfriend and i have are draining; they're so stupid. I'm not going to get into what we've been thru but the past year has been our toughest season, and i am surprised but grateful we have been willing to come back from it. We have been together for 7 and a half years now. And now that we have moved in together, in an area where we only know each other, we tend to do everything together, which you could imagine, may become tiresome. Not in the sense that you grow tired of the person, but in the way that you just need some space, maybe some estrogen, or maybe need to do something alone for once; to breathe. It has taken a toll on our relationship, but we are fighting to keep the good part of it alive. I add this next part for the sake of the discussion, but it is not my place to tell. He hasn't had the best life growing up; we come from different upbringings. The things he has had to endure have taken a toll on him internally. He has finally had some good happen to him like a good paying job that isn't labor-intensive, a newer, reliable car - all this he has worked hard for and for some reason, he thinks he will wake up tomorrow and it all be gone. Black men in today's society are told to hold it in and be strong and that if you cry or you vent, you are weak. And this is why black men kill themselves. I have told him to see a therapist for a while now, but no one is going to do something unless THEY want to do it. I feel we are inching closer to that day where he finally goes, but I still wait. THAT alone, has taken a toll on our relationship. Internally i am sure he is crying for help, but i can't help him. i support him the best that i can but i can only do so much. And it is not about me, but somedays, i don't know how to function around him. Part of my ADHD is not knowing yourself, adjusting your behaviors to fit one's likeness. Sometimes i don't feel like myself when he is in his sad moods. This has been a challenge for us, and fighting for the relationship that i want and that he wants, has just been the heaviest weight i've had to bare with this move. With so much going on in my head sometimes, i just break down. I don't know what to do sometime. I don't know how to manage the stress; I am not mentally capable of managing this type of weight. And maybe all this has nothing to do with ADHD. Maybe i needed a place to vent. When i was blogging initially, it was comforting. Peaceful.

This felt good - I'll continue soon..