Trouble with Faith

 Let me start by saying i am a Christian. I was raised Christian, and brought up in a Presbyterian church. I participated in many mission trips (mostly to the same place), i rang hand bells and chimes, i was in the youth groups (which felt like daycare honestly) where we'd sing and dance, and get a prize at the end. I found my life long, bestest friend at this church. And everyone knew me, i knew just about everyone else too, it was small. We would say Grace at dinner about 80% of the time, ya know, "God is great, God is good, and we thank him..." And we (my brothers and i) would practically demand "Lay Me" before bed every night with our mom, "Now i lay me, down to sleep..."

But i have always questioned my faith. When you're a kid in a church on Sunday, you stand there with the hymnal and sing along with your parents, but you don't really know what it is you're singing. When i was younger (too big for nursery but too small for youth group) i would nap in the pew next to my mom. I remember bringing my blanky to church sometimes. A little older and I'd play my GameBoy Advance. Now blame it on the parent for not making me pay attention, i don't care, it's not really her fault; she's lucky she got her 7 year old ADHD child (along with my younger brothers, one having ADHD as well) to go to church without a fuss. I was quiet and well-behaved. I had attended a more.. lively church service with my grandmothers from each side - quite an experience, i'll say that. My aunt would have gospel music plaing throughout her house 24/7, and in the car, so when i was going to her summer camp one summer, it was all i heard.

Now let me explain a little bit what's going through my mind, okay? Growing up, any child has a hard time fitting in. And in previous posts, you read about the struggles i dealt with. So now imagine me trying to "fit in" in the church. I bow my head to pray so i can "fit in", but then i look up and peek around to see what everyone looks like. Well that's cute and expected at a young age, but at 26? Umm no, what are you doing, you should be actually praying. And what am i praying about? There's some bad things going on in the world, but can one man fix all that? I think i was so grateful for what i had, that i never felt the need to ask for anything, so what was i praying about? How did i know if i was actually praying and not just talking to myself? I mean my brain is running constantly, so how would i know? Sometimes, when i would try this praying thing out, i'd get sidetracked, start thinking about something else. Was i disrespecting God? Would he ignore my prayer because i got sidetracked? Could i pick back up, or was the moment lost? *Like these are legit questions i have to this day* Was i supposed to feel something when i sang those hymns, recited those scriptures, spoke the Lord's prayer? I see when people's hands go up in the air, like they can feel Him reaching down and holding their hand. I see the praise dancers, and those that start dancing all over the church floor as if something has taken over their bodies. I would see people in public bow their head before their meal and pray. Hmm, should i be doing that as well? Should i be praying over all my meals? Do i look funny praying over my food in the mall food court? R and i will pray over dinner, when we remember, and when it is his turn to pray, i tend to make others' vulnerable moment awkward in my head, instead of listening and feeling it, taking it in. When we would visit my aunt's house for Christmas, at dinner we would pray. And at the end of the prayer, my aunt, uncle, and cousins would take their hand and touch their head, chest, shoulder, and shoulder, to symbolize a cross. Well they were Catholic, but i thought "oh i need to do that too, mom, why don't we do that?" which lead me to another question: what's with all the different denominations, and why am i Presbyterian? 

I mean really, this whole fitting in issue i have had all my life is part of my faith issue. I never wanted to be like.. a "Jesus freak" for lack of a better term. They were the ones who would push their religion and faith on you as if you had no choice. Were you even Christian if you didn't physically attend church on Sunday? And if you know me, i don't read books. Period. Well, i have started as i got older, but haven't finished a single one (ADHD); they all have bookmarks in their last place, sitting on a shelf in our guest room. So how am i supposed to read a Bible, with all those pages and all that tiny print - no thank you! I was taught all the stories in church, Adam and Eve for example, but never read about them. And how would i find meaning to these scriptures, and relate them to my life as times are much different now than back then? I haven't and still am not into praise music, gospel music, i do not attend a church presently, and do not care to attend a church that lasts all Sunday afternoon. When i did go to church, i thought it was supposed to be this magical sermon that was going to "speak" to me and make me realize something about myself - never has. Those moments when people have hit rock bottom, whether they be on drugs or alcohol, or domestic violence, things like that, and they had a moment when God just touched them and they knew they had a "calling" and just made a complete turn around and are living through God - never felt that. When they say "look at God" when something good happens, whether it be buying a house or getting that job you wanted - is that really God or is that my hard work? 

I don't want to doubt God is real, but i can't lie and say the mere thought hasn't crossed my mind of "how do we know this all really happened?" I actually fear this very thought because i do want my soul to go to a good place when i die (um, Heaven, please), and if God is real, i want him to know i am doing good things and am a good person, and while i'd like to live forever, i know my day will eventually come and i want there to be a place for me. But i wonder, if my faith is not as strong as some others, am i not good enough? What does it mean to believe? Is it enough that i say i believe in God? That i pray at night and thank him for all he's given me, and ask for continued health, wealth, and even thank him for small things like the ability to see and smell? Is it enough that i pray over my food sometimes, or pray for my family and friends?

Does he know that i believe, that i am here, and that i am trying, but i struggle with this fitting in part of ADHD that i may not show it all the time? Afterall, He did create me...