Growing Up Bi-Racial

Hmm, i see i may need to do some updating on how i've become acclimated to working from home since my last post. Well i will surely let you know when that happens.. LOL. Today, i want to have a discussion about growing up bi-racial.

Race is a HUGE topic right now, as it is ever present in today's society, and quite frankly, it's frightening to even think how alive and well it is. I feel i am able to link race and ADHD (in my personal experiences) because i have always had trouble fitting in. And while i seemed to get along with a variety of races, cultures, cliques.. i was able to adapt to different groups of different interests, and i felt those people accepted me because i  shared similar interests. Here's a short example/story: in 5th grade i found interest in the grunge, skater group. I thought it was so cool how they would skate and do tricks, i found the music entertaining (Green day, Linkin Park, Simple Plan, i listened to it all!) I went back to school shopping and begged my dad for a pair of Etnies, black with the pink lining. I came to school the next day with them on, fresh as could be, and was immediately labeled a "poser". Defeat. Who was i kidding? I had never picked up a skateboard. Yea i naturally did enjoy the music of that time, but i was not like these kids. I did not hang out with them outside of school; recess and that was it. Another example: i played softball in high school. I always thought that if you played a sport, you were immediately popular. Now, that is not AT ALL why i tried out for softball my 9th grade year. I, in fact, grew up on loving the sport of baseball, but since i did not have something dangling between my legs, there was a girl version. I told my stepdad, "I'm going to try out for the softball team!" And man was he excited. He dusted off his slowpitch glove (which was 2x bigger than my tiny hand) and we went out and bought cleets, and that's all i came to tryouts with. I had never picked up a glove in my life other than backyard throwing, and these coaches were impressed; i made varsity, and played all 4 years!

Now this was a different environment for me. Being part of a team, and potentially a sisterhood, an opportunity to make friends.. this was great for me! I did not immediately fit in like i thought, because they all had so many different interests, but again, i was able to adjust and came into my own a bit, found some new interests. There came a time where there was some drama my senior year, and i was basically guilty by association. I stood up for these girls because they were my friends, and i knew them better than the drama that was ensuing. The team became split, and it was clear which side i had both chose AND was "put on" by other teammates. I mean i went to bat for these girls, (no pun intended), got called "the fakest bitch" to my face, al because i was nice, and was standing up for people?? I took shit from my own teammates, just because i was defending my friends. After the drama ended, our final season was over, and we were about to graduate, these girls had nothing to do with me (except one). Her and i carried on our friendship thru to college and to this day, but the others had just.. forgotten about me. Dropped like a hot potato, with no explanation. I was hurt more back then than i realized. That time period creeps up on me in my adult years. Hell, i experienced the same shit in college. Loyal to a person i once called my friend, to be backstabbed, forgotten about, and with no reason or explanation. And it defeated me more in college than it did in HS; it's like the girls in the world were getting more and more vicious as you got older!

It took a bit for me to get to my point but here it is, thanks for sticking around: looking back, i question, could it have been my race? I mean.. could it have been? My mother is white, my father is black, i am mixed race, very tan in color but much on the darker side. My younger brothers are probably the shade of my palm, compared to the back-side of my hand; we look different, but still mixed. The talk is how black people (people of color) are discriminated against, and how white people have all this privilege. And in between that talk, i see BOTH races, talking down on mixed race people. Being mixed, when it comes to fitting in or having a place, we are too white for black people, and too black for white people. Given my experiences, i have to wonder if they were, in some way or form, racially charged. Let me rephrase as i am not accusing, assuming, concluding, blaming, what have you.. i am merely sitting back, and wondering if the color of my skin, the color of my complexion, played ANY type of role in the experiences i had. And given a trait of ADHD, could i merely just be overthinking one of the many things that take over my brain on a constant basis, causing my mind to run, and run, and run all day and through the night?

I did not have this type of thinking back then. High school for me was almost 9 years ago, and college just under 5years ago. I was so ingrained that mixed-race people were actually at the top of the totem pole. Boys thought lighter skinned females were prettier, white girls would tan their skin to get as dark as me, black girls would tell me they wished their skin was my color. This is not in any way to come across cocky or arrogant; this is literally what i experienced growing up, what i was told and made to believe in the core years where you are still trying to find yourself. In a time where you were judged for not having the nicest clothes, nicest shoes, the prettiest hair, the thin body, the big breasts... i mean ALL that mess.. the teenage years SUCK, am i right? Now i have to be vilified because of the color of my skin? Something i was born with and can't change?

This is something i just felt like i had to get out. This a topic that has weighed on me for so long, and even if i do not get a response or a view, i don't care. It's out of my head and onto paper. But the topic of race is something so important that should be talked about, instead of avoided. This whole "cancel culture" idea is ridiculous. Instead of talking about a controversial topic, these people are just quick to "cancel" it, rather than fix or understand it. I think that is the OPPOSITE of what we should be doing, ESPECIALLY in today's society. I pose discussions on social media all the time, because i like when people are talking and trying to understand. I am one of those people, who like to understand. In every situation in my life, whether it be a hard decision i am going to make, or sharing a viewpoint.. i never go into it thinking i am 100% right. Maybe 90%, or 95% lol.. but never 100%, unless i have the facts. And maybe not even then will i be right, because i may have missed a piece of info, to which that is where i have to sit and take in the corrected information, and move forward.

We need to talk about difficult topics, or things will never get easier..