New Year, OLD Me ;)

Hello old friend! Wow. It's been a while. We are still in a pandemic; 2 years and sadly still counting. I am still working from home. But it has gotten a little less lonely - my boyfriend got a better job, and he now works from home! I gotta say it makes the work day a little more fun, a little more relaxed, a little more lively. 

I've been going to therapy for a year now. It's nice to have someone to talk to, an unbiased opinion on your life. She gave me coping skills. We would talk about what was bothering me, all the intrusive thoughts i had stored up in my head that would fall to focus like a dead leaf in the fall, swaying in the breeze from tree to ground. All this talking and this money i am paying, to go home and have a panic attack the next day. For example, since working from home, i would start cleaning when work was slow. Nothing crazy, tidy up here, tidy up there; get me out of my chair and moving around. As the year went on, i became obsessed over it. Every chance i got, i'd go clean something. Laundry, dishes, counters, vacuum, swiffer.. SOMETHING had to be cleaned, i mean i have two dogs for crying out loud! My homework for therapy was to choose ONE thing to let go of. I chose the dishwasher. I was to let my boyfriend load the dishwasher, and i had to be in another room while he did it. I went into the bedroom, but i heard him loading it. I would peer through the door from what i could see - it felt silly of me to have to be in another room while he loaded the dishwasher. The whole assignment felt silly. But then something came over me, and i started crying. I couldn't stop. I called my mom, balling, "He's loading the dishwasher and i just know he is doing it wrong. I can't take it. I can't do this. I have no control. Why am i like this? Crying over a dishwasher." And that was it. I didn't have control. I needed to be in control.

I really enjoyed talking with her, and getting insight; hearing someone say i wasn't crazy or alone. But by the time 2021 was nearing its dreary end, i think i'd had enough. Enough panic attacks. Enough feeling like i am not worthy. Enough of the intrusive thoughts. I was done. My workouts were lack-luster; i had no motivation to lift anymore. I felt like my muscles and weight were getting nowhere. It was the holidays so i just said, "Fuck it. i'm eating what i want." My mental health was in no better shape. It was affecting everything in my life except work. Don't ask me how i do it - i don't know how i do it, but i can do it. I can separate work from life immediately. One day, recently, i was having a crying fit, horrible mental health day. And instead of calling out or taking some time, I let it out, drank some water, and 30 minutes later i was on a call with a user helping with a computer problem like that fiasco didn't just happen. It's crazy i know.

It's 2022. January. Mental health is not fully covered in this country, and i STILL do not know why! It's dumb to me. Anyway, it's the beginning of a new year and i am looking at my HSA account, calculating what i should prioritize: my knee problems and start PT? Pay off these couple medical bills? Find a psychiatrist for my mental health? I don't have much right now, but it will keep building throughout the year.. just needed to decide. I chose.. mental health. I knew it was going to take most of my money but i was like, "Look. if i don't choose mental health, i may not be here to do knee PT or pay these doctor bills soo.." (full disclosure, i have not had any thoughts of taking my life, okay? Yes i've had thoughts of "if i wasn't here, this would be easier", but i know in my bones i wouldn't have the guts; i truly do love life. And i send love and prayers to those who could not take another day of suffering.)

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist; it went really well. I obviously set up this appointment for a reason. A purpose. To get answers. I wanted medication. I just felt that i needed something to balance me out. I was on edge. I would react to situations on pure emotion, without thinking (thanks, ADHD!). I hated the world and everyone in it and just wanted to be alone. But i couldn't be alone. Because then i'd be alone with my thoughts. And these thoughts would slowly break me down into nothing, and i'd have no one there to lean on for help. It was a constant battle. Conclusion: i'd developed anxiety accompanied with depression. (the depression would only come when i'd feel anxious). I just wanted to be mellow, man. Chill. Relaxed. Less stressed.

i'll keep this short - i'm on a low dose anxiety medication now, testing for two weeks, then revisiting to increase it slightly. I am also on medication to help me go to sleep. She felt my BRAIN was not getting enough rest. Ya know, go to sleep stressing about the day to waking up with that stress still hanging over you like a dark rain cloud with no coat or umbrella. Then a lightning strike followed by heavy downpour (the new stress from the brand new day). Too much analogy there? Too dramatic? Sorry! Anyway, i am feeling so much better at the moment. I feel more like myself again, not fully, but much more than before. I also have a new workout plan, one that tells me what i am doing that day, instead of making things up as i go - i am loving the structure there. All in all, i feel like i am on the right track to being the OLD me again..

P.s:- i really think i have a knack for writing..

to be continued... if i remember ;)