Controlling My Emotions

Am i even worthy of love? Am i even worthy of a companion? Someone to put up with my shit for the rest of their lives? 

Today is not a good mental day. I've been following this page on Instagram about ADHD, and have been learning so much more about it and myself. For instance, Rumination. It means to ponder or "chew on something, usually negative experiences. It's redrived from what a cow does when it regurgitates its food to chew on it again *BARF*. So for me, at least, I usually experience this with negative experiences or negative situations that haven't happened yet. Well today i guess i woke up in a bad mood (i didn't feel like i did), and when we left from the gym and got gas, i was just standing there with disgust on my face. I had an attitude, R would try and talk to me, give me a kiss, kept touching me with his sweaty sleeve.. i was just not having it. Then i came home and proceeded to cook my breakfast, i started the dishwasher knowing that with it running and him in the shower, i'd probably miss out on some hot water - so that irritated me. Then i'd started ruminating on the fact that i'd been the one who has cycled through dirty/clean dishes all week; no one else in this house - that irritated me. Then i didn't have a clean stove to cook on because people are messy - irritated. I feel like its not that hard to live a clean life, or cook a meal without making a mess, or goodness, cleaning up after yourself! But i think i put too much expectations on people. So with all this swirling in my head, i think to myself, "How would anyone put up with this for 80+ years, day after day? Who has the time and patience for this? Am i worthy of love? Am i worthy of a lifetime of commitment?" Tears are filling my eyes as i type this out. It has become less of 'i want to be married with kids cuz that's what you do' and more of 'i want the person i marry to love me for me and be able to show compassion and also deal with my bullshit because i'm difficult and sensitive and i come with a lot.' Because i'd like to say i kinda make up for it; i'm fun to be around, i'm funny, i'm nice, giving, compassionate, considerate, thoughtful, loyal.. i have great qualities! But i just also have things about me and how i live my life and how i operate in my spaces. 

I am easily irritated. I am easily angered. I am easily hurt. I am easily entertained. I am easily distracted. I am easily awakened. I am easily bothered. I love hard. I cry hard. All these emotions and feelings are easily triggered and can be aggressively expressed. I don't think people around me realize how much i save their lives on a daily basis. I am completely exaggerating there, but all jokes aside, it is one of many daily tasks in my brain to not snap at people. An example would be my work desk is unfortunately in a common area of the house. I could be working, focused on something, or just simply minding my business on my phone at my desk, and someone will come in the kitchen to cook or get some water, and feel the need to talk or give rhetorical statements like, "Ah what a beautiful day it is today." - That crap is annoying to me. It's distracting. It's bothersome. If the room was quiet before they spoke, and they speak at a high volume i'm not ready for, it's then sensitive to my ears. People could have conversations down the hall, and i may not be listening, but my ears are. And with that, I think R puts up with a lot; i don't think he gets enough credit. He is essentially my safety net, and trust me people, i am so aware of how messed up that is. It is not at all fair to him when i lash out, have tantrums, panic attacks, and/or complain about every little thing. He gets a lot of the bad side of me, and i think it's because i give everyone else grace because i don't want to be viewed as this horrible mean person. I'm not, i promise! Think about it, if i were to express my feelings as they occur, no one would want to be around me. I wouldn't want to be around me. Ugh, enough self-loathing. My point is, i guess i want to put out into the world that R does his best with me and even though he doesn't fully understand ADHD, he actually does seem to have an idea how i operate.

I gave my mom an analogy today of how i sometimes feel. On days like today, when i'm angry and don't really know why, it feels like i have this little girl tugging at my arm, leading me to where all the bad stuff is. When I, Allyson, fully aware of herself, doesn't want to go to the bad stuff. She doesn't want to sulk all day and be angry. In fact, its really aggravating when Allyson even gets into these spells. And this little girl is just like, "Yes, come to the dark side. It's fun over here!" Like i don't want to be mad all day. I don't want to sit here and feel things. And in other cases, i don't want to listen to others' conversations, but its within earshot so it's happening; i'm going to know about how Johnny over here likes Susie, but Susie isn't interested because Johnny is on steroids and doesn't train legs (idk, something stupid i shouldn't even care about); i am rebelling against some tiny little girl (ADHD) on a daily basis, rather than giving in.

So with all these incontrollable emotions and moods, i've done more digging and found that bi-polar disorder can sometimes get mixed in with ADHD. People are known to have depressive days that can last 24hrs to 3 days. It is sometimes coupled with extreme high days, where they feel super proud of themselves, almost to the point of arrogant. Now i can't say i've experienced the arrogance, but definitely the depressive days, and they come out of nowhere. To circle back to the dishes above, there are many days where i can take on the world with one hand tied behind my back. And there are other days where it feels like the world is crushing me. Well all week, i'm handling business, both at work and at home (doing the dishes). But by Friday, something clicked and i had had enough. I couldn't handle it. I didn't feel strong enough and i was sick of doing the things. So that is where i've been mentally for the past couple days. 

It will get better. This will pass. Staying in my normal routine, going to the gym and seeing my gym peeps, and focusing on my new powerlifting program is keeping me sane. *i've signed up for the same meet this coming December!* Big numbers coming, fingers crossed!

Thanks for reading, i'll be okay 😊

-til next time, friends