To Feel Seen, or Not to Feel Seen

I have a need..... a need for twe - to feel heard/seen. -The Office Reference, i had to..

But on a serious note.. my therapist gave me some homework: How important is it for me to feel seen or heard; understood?

"Daaaaaaamn." was my reaction during therapy today. Not quite like Craig and Smokey from "Friday" but close enough! My therapist was really adamant that there was something, small, underlying; some type of depression or feeling that was triggering my anger. (we are still working on controlling our emotions, by the way) I couldn't really see it at first, and then i was like, "Oh my gosh! What if i have this constant need to feel seen or understood, lingering in the background?" And if so, i dont foresee this resolving itself... like EVER. ADHD is soo misunderstood. All the research in the world can be performed, but everybody experiences it differently; it's mind boggling! For example, contrary to popular belief, i am VERY organized; i am not sloppy or messy or constantly losing things. Everything has a place, and i notice when its been moved. So much that i have developed (undiagnosed) OCD. Now, i'm not flipping the light switch 6x before leaving a room, but you get my point. While the next guy who has ADHD, maybe doesn't have everything figured out and loses his keys every day. I have a couple people in my life that have be recently diagnosed late in life, and their experiences are both similar and different than mine. But why am i so "pressed" to feel seen?

It's hard to answer really. I'm different, it's a fact. I think different, I view the world differently, I respond to certain situations differently - everything i do/see/feel/etc. is different from every other person on this planet who is not on the spectrum. I mean, take a look into my life. My own boyfriend doesn't see me. He does, but to an extent. It's not fair to expect him to be some expert on ADHD and know exactly how to respond to me or interact with me. But sometimes enough is enough. He tends to poke fun or instigate some ADHD symptoms to get a rise out of me. But ultimately, it's not going to end well for either of us. A recent example is a pot going in the dishwasher or not. Long story short, he proved to me it was dishwasher safe, and thought it'd be nice to poke fun and put it in the dishwasher, after i told him i hand wash it cuz it protects the non-stick coating. I lost my mind, start screaming, "why do you do this to me? why do you poke when you know something is going to trigger me?" I think i even shoved him before storming out of the room (that shove did squat. he was a full back, he's a big strong guy - his big ass didn't go anywhere) and i went in my room to color. I don't know if coloring helps calm me down; this is a relatively new thing i'm doing. But anyway, this question got me thinking back to the above mentioned incident, and further. My best friend moved in with us for a little bit, and i was all on board like what could go wrong, this shouldn't bother me and i'm helping my friend. If i knew then, what i know now, my response may have been different. I mean i already have one person in my house that doesn't see me, now i have two?! 

Do you know how alone i felt? It was mostly self-inflicting but this went on for a year and some change. I was practically hiding in my room, because if i saw things out of place, spills and messes, heard too much noise, what have you, i might turn into a tornado and rip the place apart. All because i didn't want to look crazy to others. I held these things in because i knew if i genuinely expressed myself, i would not be understood, i would not be met with reason, and i'd look like a psycho! And at what cost? My own sanity and peace. I pretty much resented everyone in my house, even my dogs, cuz they were just so needy (ugh i feel like shit saying that cuz i love my fur babes, but c'mon, your kids/dogs drive you nuts sometimes!) It's not fair to them, no, but it's not fair to me either. I just didn't know how to cope, and since i'm so misunderstood, who the hell was gonna help me figure out how?

This past year was just so hard for me mentally. It was pretty debilitating at times, having to fight so hard to keep comments to myself, to not readjust/rearrange something that was out of place, correct someone - just constantly fighting the urges. These are things i still have to work on, but the very next day (seems harsh) after my friend moved out, i transformed that room into a warm, inviting guest room, that doubles as a peaceful creative space, where i can peacefully work remotely and then create or read if i want to. Kind of like a man and his man cave. I also am trying this app to document my mood everyday, per my therapist. We are all a work in progress, and if you think otherwise, well then that kind of further proves my point. 

To working on ourselves, everyday! 🍻

til next time..