Protecting My Peace

Shew.. clutch your pearls, kids. Before I begin, I want to reiterate that my whole purpose for blogging, is to get nagging thoughts out of my brain, and onto paper, no matter who sees. But also, looking at the numbers on my posts, ain’t nobody really reading these lol. It has seemed to help me heal in the past, and so I’d like to keep going. “If you’ve ever been personally victimized by…” (Mean Girls lol) Anyway..

This all seems to have started after my experience in college, talked about in a previous post somewhere. And I think I have gradually gotten stronger and more protective of myself since then. However, I feel like I’ve been tested this past year. I’ve been put in positions where I could either dwell on it and feel sad.. weak.. less-than.. a total victim. OR, I could take it for what it is, nothing more, nothing less, file it in my mental filing cabinet for when I need it later, and keep it pushing. I’ve been calling it ‘accepting energy’. The energy you are giving, I am receiving and giving it back as such. I can give an example.

Back when I was going through a hard time working from home and alone, when I had bad anxiety, I had some ‘homework’ from my therapist: to befriend this girl and ask to hang out. It sounds so stupid having to muster up this courage, almost like a date, just to grab a drink and make a friend. “Yeah, yeah, totally lets do that!” Turns out, she was big on making promises, but not so big on acting on those promises. And now, the poor thing thinks I hate her or something, that she did something wrong and can’t figure it out. I mean, yea if you can’t figure it out, that’s one problem. But no, it’s the energy she put off. I felt it, I received it, and I kept it pushing. And turns out, the type of person she is and energy she gives, would be too toxic for my mental health – dodged a bullet! Have I thought I’d be in some weddings at one time, and ended up not? Yeah. Does everyone care or show interest in my powerlifting? No. Do people ever check in with me from time to time or consider my feelings at times? No. (let me add, I fully understand that life is life and everyone is busy with one, as am i) Have I taken slaps to the face lately? Yeah. Hell yeah. Some slid off my cheek, some kinda stung a little. *Shrugs* Thou giveth such energy, such energy is returned.

So in theory, I’ve been seeing people for who they really are, and I’ve been able to better manage who I let into my life, thus protecting my peace. Now has this possibly negatively affected me in some way? Yeah, kinda. I think I’ve, in some cases, become a little TOO heavily guarded. I think I’ve managed to put up a wall between me and my boyfriend. Certain things that he does I’ll deem as ‘disrupting my peace’, and I’ll walk away and re-center, if you will. And like every little thing he did was just another brick added to the wall. And it would be stupid shit like arguing over dishes in the sink or doing laundry. I would just say, “Ya know what, I don’t have the energy for this and I’m not going to expend any energy on this issue either.” And so I may have let that go a tad bit too far, and I’m reflecting on that. But also, it took me a year to become friends with B, and now look at us – “Swolemates” HAHA! I know what I am getting with her. The good, the bad – I know what I’m getting and she pours into me as I pour into her. That is the level of friendship I am talking about! Advice on life, advice on lifting, someone to vent to and not judge, but to also judge when needed lol. Am I a little slow on the friend-making? Yes. But am I enjoying and loving myself a little more in the process? Also yes.

Things have picked up so much as far as my social life, that we’ve got a bunch of morning gym crew peeps meeting for Trivia once a month; to get out, have some friendly competition (boys vs. girls), laugh and learn a new fun fact or two. It’s been really fun and just the right amount of social stimulation for me.

I’ve also recently weened myself off of anxiety meds. Mental health is SO SO SO important, and yet, it is SO SO SO expensive. I was only on 50mg of sertraline, so it didn’t take long to ween, but I also did it without medical guidance, so I took about 2 months to come off it fully. It wasn’t the greatest experience but it had to be done. During my last $100, 6-minute check-in appointment, my doc told me she was leaving the practice. So come June, when my next visit was scheduled, I’d have a whole new doc and have to have a whole new 45-minute intake session, which could cost roughly $300 or whatever. Fuck that – I’m over it. I canceled my June appt, and started the weening process. *my honest review of my time on meds* It was tough in the beginning. You had to give the meds time to get in and get to work. Almost as if there were little tiny workers that hopped off the pill once inside, and then took a look around, took a look at the damage. This took 6-8 weeks, sometimes longer. Then I was on it for over a year. One thing the doctor told me was when you come off the meds, you will be able to better manage anxiety because while being medicated, you will subconsciously create coping mechanisms. And I have to say, I think the meds helped. Did I recognize any changes right away or during that year? No, I suck at analyzing stuff like that. But after deciding to stop the meds, I feel confident enough to go about my days in a better head space.

I can hear you now, “Oh this girl sounds so mean. Why would anyone want to be her friend anyway?” Well first off, if you are thinking that, then you don’t really know me. Second, if you think this is mean, then you my friend, do not understand the importance of protecting your peace. If you wake up everyday and let people walk all over you, drown you with their problems without asking how YOU are doing, you let people treat you badly and think it’s okay, you go around giving all of yourself to those who give NOTHING in return, YOU need to start protecting your peace. If you cannot find peace, you need to create it. Do what makes you happy, inside and out. Give to those who genuinely appreciate it, those who know they can call you in a time of need, but that YOU too can call in a time of need. Find like-minded people to have in your life - it does not have to be a lonely space. If you can create a peace that is all your own, a peace that is strong enough to withstand some hefty wind gusts at times but still stand strong, you my friend are on to living a more peaceful life. Besides, when living with ADHD, dwelling on peace disrupting things only harms our overall goal of living a more 'normal' life; don't do that to yourself, friend💛

Til next time, friends..

p.s: can we just take a sec to appreciate my analogies? Ask my mom – I’m pretty good at spinning them up, and sometimes they’re super funny HAHA