It's time to heal - you will no longer control my life

 Dear T and entourage..

I remember the day almost as if it were yesterday. I was in my dorm room, when i get a text - you've summoned me to your room upstairs. It was out of the ordinary, but i thought nothing more of it. I enter your room to find you sitting on your bed, and my current roommate (whom you've befriended), her boyfriend, and your younger sister also present in the room. My thoughts are, "What, is this an intervention?" I sit down. Here is where things get fuzzy. Once you started talking, it started to sync in that this was an attack. It was carefully orchestrated; you'd been discussing this for a while with your little entourage how to do it and when. There were many things that were said, but two things stuck out and lived rent-free in my head ALL this time.

1) you did R's hair one day, added moisturizer and other products to help with his curl pattern and such. Your sister overheard a conversation between him and i on the bus trip to NYC, where i was asking about it, what products she used, did it help, etc. In that conversation, i mentioned, "Well i have curly hair, i would know a little bit about what to use. You can ask me next time if you want and i can help." This statement is completely harmless, right? Well your sister decided to take that conversation and run with it, and somehow the words got twisted into "i didn't appreciate her doing your hair. Next time, you ask me and only me."

2) You seemed to have a problem with me talking about ADHD. It bothered you so much that i would talk about my ADHD all the time. It bothered you because you knew you had it too and didn't want to be reminded of it. You were in denial. You hated talking or thinking about ADHD. I never really knew you had a problem with it.

So turns out the reason you summoned me to your room, was to unload ALL the things you had bottled up about me. Because you do that; you bottle things up and then unload on someone. It was a roast session in there. It was 4 against 1, but only 1 of the 4 were talking. You needed an audience?? You were that shallow and bitter, that you needed an audience to witness you tearing a single person down? That entire situation has scared me. You were saying so many things, so many SHOCKING things that i couldn't even process and retain it all. I couldn't fathom what was happening in that moment. I thought this girl was my friend, why is she tearing me down like this? And then, when it seemed all words had been exchanged between both parties, i was pretty much dismissed. 

When i left, I called R and went straight to his room to vent. I couldn't process all that was said. I immediately started trying to recount everything, and break it all down. I started screaming, i was telling R everything. I was reacting the way i SHOULD'VE when you were attacking me. I was crying because i felt so hurt and betrayed. I couldn't control my emotions, i was in such a fit. I called my mom and told her everything; she was beside herself. I couldn't sleep for 2 days, crying myself to sleep just to wake back up and relive the whole thing over and over again. Having to sleep in the same room as the person that watched me get torn apart and belittled. This was the start of my anxiety; minor, but it was the start.

I figured out a way to move my room mid-year. I did the math for affording off-campus living, i discovered the option to for special permission mid-year, and i went and put in the request. My step-father had stage 4 kidney disease at the time, and it really was weighing on the family financially. So due to financial hardship, i was granted permission to move off campus. lol i don't even know what i told my roommate at the time. I was denied at first, but the office made a mistake and called me over winter break and approved it. So i had half my moves already lined up, it was just time to execute before we returned to school. I moved in with a friend (interestingly someone you had quarrels with in the past, i'd later find out), and began my final semester at peace. 

I don't owe you any explanation for what i have been through since then. You don't get that right. But i am going to tell you anyway, because i am done holding this in my head any longer. It affected how i made friends - I didn't. It affected how i perceived myself, constantly thinking how what i may say can make other people feel. It crushed my self-esteem. I lost trust in everyone, never comfortable enough to open up. I felt better by myself but ultimately lonely.

But i'm done.

I figured it out a long time ago, but i still couldn't let that situation go. Every single item you touched in that confrontation, were PERSONAL. PROBLEMS. They were issues that your created in your head, of things i did that you found annoying or disliked. I never did anything malicious to you; i did nothing. It was YOU. You looked like you enjoyed sitting there throwing your verbal jabs across the room. I'd like to say i should have seen this coming based on how you treated others, but i was too naive to think you would ever do that to me. I was kind to you the rest of the semester. Ya know, kill 'em with kindness. Plus, i'm the least confrontational person in the room, so thats how i handled it. I had moved, i was feeling better, and i knew i'd never have to see this person or her posse ever again after graduation. But never did i know how bad it affected me and how long i would hold onto it.

Three years after moving to a new area, i had finally made a friend. I took my time with trusting, not rushing into anything, and opening up more while still very guarded. And then after several months, we started making other friends in the gym and now?.. Now i have a whole group of friends. People who accept me for me, ADHD and all. Enough friends to host a Friendsgiving! And I am even LOUDER about ADHD. I am still learning more and more about how i operate and think and move. I'm understanding myself so much better and i think that is the most amazing part of ADHD. I am a big advocate for it and i help a lot of others who have been diagnosed and are confused. I think rather than being in denial about it, you should explore it and better understand yourself. Because what you did to me made you a bully. It seemed like you got some power trip by that. Maybe having them there with you was, in your eyes, a form of support for you, but it just looked the complete opposite from my view.

But i'm just done reliving that day. I've learned to stay guarded to an extent but that its okay to put myself out there and make friends again. It's okay to trust again, and i've learned how to handle a situation if i dont like someone's energy. I'm very picky with my people and i'm focused on my peace. And God will put those in my life that i need or need me. So thanks for teaching me this life lesson; it was a tough one but i did it. I certainly wish you well, and i hope that one day you maybe appreciate people for their flaws, instead of hating people for your own.