I Still Care.. Just Less

    I always understood the word 'empath' as a.. a superpower, of sorts. Like, you had to have really strong feelings about a situation, that isn't yours to bear, to have literal tears running down your face right now; to be feeling as though it were you going through that situation. But i don't think it is like that at all. I don't think it is as strong as i make it out to be. When you Google it, even that definition doesn't give it so much weight; "highly attuned to others' emotions." It's exactly that. And over the years, i've always wondered why i'd get so emotional when someone tells me a problem they're facing, or tells about the loss of a loved one, etc. Or why when someone gives me good news about a promotion at work, or pregnancy/engagement, etc, i tend to feel that same joy and excitement. I've had people ask me questions about their recent ADHD diagnosis and it not only sent me into a joyous, helpful spiral, in some cases the joy alone set the tone for the rest of my day; i am passionate about this topic! But then i've also had a friend's pet pass and i honestly could not go on with my day. I sobbed for a moment and had to step away from work to collect myself because i could just feel the pain she was going through, and went to hug and console her. I mean i'd never felt that for anyone else's animals before. It doesnt stop there. Maybe i have a friend who is depressed and every time i'm with them, i can see and feel that hurt, and i beat myself up because i can't help them. Or someone who can't get out of their own way to be happy - i can't fix that either, and it hurts me to see them hurting. I'm also a fixer; surprise! So instead of shying away from calling myself an empath, simply because i did not feel like i had this SUPERpower, i'm going to acknowledge it - i am an empath, i have the ability to be empathetic.

    I've always enjoyed being there for people. I always wanted to be a light for others or help them in some way, if i could. I've always enjoyed that people felt like they could talk to me if they needed someone to talk to. I valued being a good friend to people. And its probably why i hold others to such a high, almost unrealistic, standard of being a good friend. So i decided to dig a little deeper and see if there was any correlation between ADHD and empathy - indeed there was. Not everyone with ADHD has this empathetic side. In fact, for some, ADHD can cause a lack of empathy altogether due to social difficulties. Those who struggle with social interaction may lack any type of compassion because they do not hang around people as much, so they don't experience others' emotions often. But for others with ADHD, they can feel an intense amount of empathy and compassion. There is a word that came up in my research - Altruism; never heard of it. It means, 'the concern for the well-being of others without expectation for personal benefit or reciprocity.' And when i read that, i was like DING DING DING! That's me! Caring for others and not expecting a single thing for it, regardless if i myself don't often receive such a level of compassion!

    However, there was a piece of it i had not considered - how does all of this affect me? Turns out, it affects me very deeply. With ADHD, i already have a hard time processing emotions and shutting off my brain when its giving me unwanted thoughts. But then i started realizing i was taking on these people's problems as if they were my own. People would vent to me and i'd be listening intently, trying to make sure i have all the details, all their emotions, picking apart pieces of their story to rationalize the situation in a way that i begin to therapize them in some way. "..oh well maybe things were going wrong and piling up so by the time they came home and didn't see dinner ready, they snapped. Not because of you, but because it was the last straw on an already bad day.." you know, like that, trying to make them think clearly and resolve their issue. (that was some random, well-thought out example i just gave you lol) I mean, i was helping a friend through a tough time, and during a conversation, i was like, "Well, we didn't expect that to happen, though." Hold up.. we?.. We?.. Did i just say 'we', like this situation involves me, too?? Did i say we as in a 'royal we' kind of way, (look up 'Royal We' - fascinating find, they didn't teach that in English class) or have i absorbed this situation so deeply that i really just inserted myself into this situation, that again, has nothing to do with me? I continued to help my friend of course, and this was a while ago now, but in that very moment i had realized i'd done too much; i'd gone too far. I couldn't keep absorbing people's problems like that. Because not only had i felt like i inserted myself, it was weighing me down mentally. And ever since, any time i'd talk to someone about something they were struggling with, going through, needing a friend for, etc, i'd take mental notes on just how invested i'd gotten.

    Not only was i affected by people's lives or problems, i'd also pay close attention to others' body language. It doesn't matter what the situation was, what was being said, whatever. If i got a wiff of someone's body language, and it seemed remotely off, my brain would immediately send me into a spiral, that i've said or done something wrong and now they hate me. i'd create problems in my brain that didn't exist; "it's not real, they dont hate you, you did nothing wrong" - nope, doesn't work on me. I do this with my own friends, dude. If i text someone, and they dont text back, fine. But if i realize they havent texted back, and its been 4 days? Brain: "Okay, what did i say wrong? Should i check in? Do i text them again? All i said was, "Hey, how's it going?" - what did i do?" I work myself up all for a "i read it it and got distracted, so sorry - all is good, how about you?!" lol. Well i'm sick of feeling like that all the time, brain - sick of it! I'm not working myself up like that anymore. Which leads me to now..

    Lately, i've decided i'm done. Just stepping back a bit. I'm done caring about anything that doesn't directly affect me or the people closest to me. I recently deleted Facebook and Instagram off my phone. One day, about 3 months ago, i was watching a football game, and when we lost, i ran to several social media platforms to voice my grievances. Afterwards, it dawned on me, "Why did i just do that? Why did i put 'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKK' on my Instagram story? Who cares?" And so i deleted the apps on impulse. I realized others don't really care (social media is vial and people only watch to keep tabs on you, unless yall are truly friends; we're all guilty). And honestly, i don't care either. Let's give an example as to why staying there could be a problem: the comparison game - we all do it. Things people post may be triggering at times, because maybe it's where you want to be or something you want to do. And while you are happy that person is receiving that blessing, you do subtly wish it were you - that's fine, it happens. But i realized this stuff on the internet wasn't benefiting me; it was not affecting me directly or the ones close to me, and it wasn't good for my mental. I realized i don't need to fill people in with my every move (we went to Jamaica in Dec and i didn't post a single thing), and i don't need to know everyone else's every move. In fact, recently i found joy in good ole fashioned catching up with friends, and actually having things to tell that they hadnt seen on Facebook or something. It was refreshing.

    Now see, saying those things above do make me feel shitty. Like i'm being selfish and don't truly care about anyone or anything anymore. And i can understand why people might think that, or why others may think i've just given up on them all of a sudden or whatever the case may be; i've always been misunderstood, i'm used to it. These ideas can't be further from the truth, though. In a way i am being selfish, but thats because i have no time for myself. I tend to get so invested in other people's lives, that i can't find time to pay attention to my own life. Since deleting those apps and focusing on caring less, i've:

• finished my certification course (now i just need to study and pass the test - baby steps)
• spruced up the laundry room with some pretty wallpaper and decluttered (something i'd put off for a year)
• i've been virtually attending my home church lately, and continuing Bible reading
• I finished a book i started over a year ago lol (it clearly wasn't that interesting)
• i've joined a book club at work, agreeing to keep a pace of 10Ch between meeting monthly lol (i'm actually on chapter 7 with 3 weeks til our first meeting, surprisingly)
• i'm getting my entire workout complete within the time i have to do it (some days i'd prioritize chatting and then run out of time)
• went to Jamaica and didn't post a single picture to social media
• R and I talk more, getting back into video games and weekend adventures
• we're thinking bi-weekly Sunday trips to the casino haha
• tend to my precious Molly who we discovered has cancer, but thankfully will not spread (she's 12yo now, and really my first dog)
• focus on some news going on with my family (i just can't think about that right now)
• i've been able to separate work stress from internal/unnecessary stress
• i've been exceptionally happier focusing on whats right in front of me

    So yea, call me selfish, but i call it growth. Because i feel as though God has put me on this earth for a reason, reasons i am still trying to figure out. But given past experiences, i'd say its been to be a light and help people, in whatever way i can. And don't think FOR A SECOND that i no longer care. I care, trust me. i'm just trying to care less😌

til next time💛