Emotional Dysregulation

Believe it or not, naturally, i am an angry individual. ADHD flows deep when it comes to my anger. And as i've gotten older, i've learned to step back and process my thoughts and emotions before reacting; that could take a day, two, or however long. But even taking a step back has bitten me in the ass at times. So its either you want me to spazz out and flip a fucking table.. or you allow me to process and come back with some clarity and better wording. Take your pick.

That's it. Thats the blog.

Okay i'm kidding, i'll explain. Emotional dysregulation is when someone has difficulty controlling their emotions. This is not some major diagnosis; its just a name for it, its often related to disorders like ADHD or BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder). It can even happen after a traumatic brain injury. To be more specific, in this case, feelings of anger can be expressed by shouting, throwing things, physically harming someone or themselves.. similar to an extreme outburst or temper tantrum. Now we know children are capable of temper tantrums, and we sum it up to just being a kid that didn't get his/her way, but what about adults? Well, adults can portray anger in the same way; a big ole temper tantrum. I myself have had these, within the past 5 years honestly - probably a few. I yell, i cry, i've thrown things before. I'll slam doors and stomp around.. your standard temper tantrum, but a grown ass adult. Am i ashamed, YES. It's embarrassing to even admit, let alone act on. Do you think i'd have many friends if i acted like that? Highly doubtful. I wonder everyday why R is still with me..

So what i've realized is all my life i would tell myself i don't like confrontation, i'd convince myself i didn't like it, couldn't handle it. Because i'm not quick to think on my toes, i'm not witty, i don't like surprises like that where i can't defend myself properly, and so on. So I'd treat everyone SO nice (genuinely; i know how to treat people) that they'd never have a reason to hate me or be mad or 'confront' me about anything. But of course, all relationships have faults, and there would be a disagreement or they'd do something that upset me a little. Or maybe I did something that upset them and they confronted me about it. The thing is, though, i would get so bent out of shape about stuff, and i dont think i would act on my anger, because i was afraid of what i'd do, what i was capable of. I'd always get this sensation in my body, similar to how i feel before a PL meet, which i've now come to realize, is adrenaline. I'll give an example.. 

..that blog i wrote about the girl from college who humiliated me in front of a little audience, my supposed friends.. I treated her so nice, i thought we were friends, i'd take her places cuz i had a car, we'd hang out all the time.. we were friends. Then she turned on me, for no reason. And turned my other friends away from me too. All to realize everything she had nitpicked about me were things she had trouble dealing with internally; personal problems. She put me down in front of people i knew, belittled me, and i just sat there and took it. I said what i could in the moment but i was shaking so much i couldnt even find words to say; i couldn't even believe what was coming out of her mouth it was so outlandish, was this really happening? When i'd left, i ran to R's room, told him everything she said, and screamed. Ohhh i screamed. I screamed and cried and yelled; if she were in the room i might've put my hands on her. But i couldn't show that side of me to her, oh noooo. I'd look crazy. People might talk. That university was so small, everyone knew everyone - who knows what would have happened. What if i managed to get my hands on her? Would the entourage break it up? Would they snitch on me and i get in trouble? Or worse, would i be kicked out of college? That's besides the point - the point is.. i let her walk all over me. In fact, later that semester, i agreed to help this b* move some belongings from one spot to the other. TF was wrong with me? And i would do this all the time. I'd just rather take the blame and move on, because what does throwing a tantrum solve, where does that get me? Sadly, i can see now neither path gets me far.

So, lately, if something is bothering me, if someone says something uncomfy, rather than ruminate on it until the end of time and take zero action other than become angry.. i take a step back.. process it.. try and release any anger/tension its caused.. and then address it with the person when ready, through a civil conversation. However, sometimes taking that route has bitten me too, because it looks as if i'm avoiding the issue. I mean if it means 'recognizing my anger is an issue and choosing to step back and think before i react' is avoiding, then fine, i'm avoiding! But i call it growth. I'm not about to fight someone at 30yo. I'm not about to argue with someone either; i do enough with R when he can't manage to put his water bottle in the recycling. If it truly matters to me, if it serves me, if i care about the relationship enough, i will take whatever time i need to process the info and return with some talking points and hopefully a resolution. If i didn't care, i wouldn't waste my time. The only, and i mean ONLY person who sees me rage is R. And even though he seemingly creates a safe space for me to release that anger - it doesn't even have to be directed at him; it could be something between me and a friend, and now im home lashing out about it, he allows me to express it - i should maybe start to tone it down a bit, for our sake. Like i could probably reel that in a bit lol.

That's about it here - it's not my best writing, if im being honest. i think my other posts flow better. but i needed to get this off my chest and out of my head. My next post, i'll likely unpack what recent discovery i've made in therapy: i may have fears of abandonment. love that for me!🙃