Match Their Energy

As i sit her thinking about how the year has gone so far, my brain prioritizes negative experiences over the positive ones. I was in a weird depression for a few months. Some days i'd feel like i'd beaten it or "snapped out of it". But the next day i felt it again ..and the next day .. and the next day. My little brother had to have heart surgery and that might have been what i was subconsciously shoving down and trying to ignore any feelings attached; it might have been the basis of my depression. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, and during that time some friendships took a hit, which made me feel even more depressed. I wasnt doing anything to hurt anyone, i just kinda closed off and didnt talk to anyone, and people took that personally. I wished they'd asked me or checked on me; i really only had a couple people to lean on. But with all that going on, i was holding it together through wedding activities, prepping for my best friend to get married in the spring. See, my brain immediately went to negative, and i'd, for a moment, forgotten all about my best friend's wedding; that was such a fun day with family and friends, it was the happiest i'd been all year (it was the end of April). 

After the wedding, things started going back to normal. i started to feel like myself again. But then i started thinking about my friends and how we didnt really do much anymore as a whole, and how things seemed to have shifted amongst each other. How distant we'd all become and how i've somehow taken that personal because remember in an earlier post, i talked about how i was so excited to have all these friends that do stuff together. Well thats not happening anymore, and i started to realize that and it hurt. So i thought about all the energy i'd spent thinking of ways to fix it so that everyone was friends again, and said.. 'ya know, i dont feel like i've gotten out of these friendships what they may have gotten out of mine'. I hope that made sense; i would reach out or chat, check on people, ya know, what a friend does. And i didnt always get that. I think the last group thing was when they all came to celebrate my 30th birthday, and that was so sweet and thoughtful and such a nice night. i'm not even going to list things out, this is not the focus of this post. my point i'm about to make is, i wish i'd learned how to match people's energy and not feel guilty for it 10 years ago. If 20 year old me had mastered that, i wouldnt have been entangled in so many situations that i could have prevented if i'd just stood up for myself or valued myself and my peace back then, especially in college. But the purpose of your 20's is finding yourself - "Who is Allyson?"

So at 31, i am learning that lesson now. I am not going above and beyond for those who do not for me. This isnt about doing things TO GET something in return, no, this is about pouring into others' cups that are willing to pour into mine just the same. If i keep pouring into others' cups, but nothing ever get poured back into my cup, i wont have anything left to pour! All my life i've been a people pleaser, a giver, a compassionate person, and a door mat. Well door mat no more! Now? I am matching people's energy. And that is not to be interpreted in a malicious way either. It simply means, if i initiated the last 5 times we've hung out, and i realize you havent initiated one, then im going to stop and see if you ever do; show me you value our friendship and hanging out together. Oh, i bought you a birthday present twice in a row, but mine has passed twice and you havent gotten me anything? Well you wont be getting a present from me next year, or maybe i wont think to bring you back something from my vacation. Gracious, thoughtful things i tend to do out of the kindess of my heart, with nothing ever requested/required in return, are often taken advantage of. Not anymore. Its hard because when its just in your nature to do for others, you kinda hope they do something for you one day. But when it never happens, but you keep giving, it gets exhausting after a while. It also hurts. And at some point you have to stop and recognize your value. You, too, deserve flowers, gifts, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and not judge, and so on. And you can control that by surrounding yourself with the right people, and separating yourself from those who are not. Nothing personal! Sometimes people are here for a reason, some are here for a season, as the famous saying goes. And life goes on.

It's been hard internally because when you are so used to a certain way of thinking and feeling, its hard to shake it and learn a different way. But i take it one day at a time. I take a moment to recognize who is in my corner; who is pouring in my cup? And that is where i focus my energy. Again, no hard feelings.. but i gotta get my life together, figure out whats next, and who am i taking with me that will lift me up, support me, give me a safe space, and value their relationship with me. It's selfish, yes.. but after 30 years of putting others first all the time.. its time i put myself first for a change. And mean it this time.

xoxo,

Gossip girl

(sike, i never watched that show😂)