Let's start from the beginning (con't)
So I'm back on medication. It was a hard decision to make given the side effects I had experienced in the past, but I needed to focus. I went through trial and error again, testing different meds that would work for me and would not work for me. Walking through the halls, I'd look like a zombie, I'd show and feel zero emotion. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't talk... but my grades are looking good, so shouldn't I be happy? Wrong. I was far from happy.
My second year into college, I'm feeling like I've got this college thing down. It also helped that I was joined by my boyfriend (he had spent a year talking to colleges that decided not to take him or cost too much). He had started college that year and we took a couple classes together, others not together. We developed a routine that helped me manage my work, and in turn also helped him. We would go to school, go to my house after, and do our homework for the day (a work now, play later idea). This helped me focus on my school work, space out my study times, and get what I needed to do done. But things started taking a turn for the worse.
While my grades were looking great, my social life was crumbling, including my relationship. In learning more about my ADHD, I would begin to pick up on things that were a clear sign "oops, that was the ADHD talking." Having ADHD meant I was impulsive. If someone was talking and a really cool thought popped in my head, i would interrupt them and burst out with what I had to say, because what I had to say was more important. Well, that gets annoying to some people, go figure. So much could be going on in a situation (this is called stimulation) that my emotions would sky rocket; whether it makes me mad, sad, or overly excited, and I'd have no control over it. If something didn't go as planned and things needed to be moved or changed, my mind could not and would not process such change. If it was set in my head this was going to happen today, it better happen today, or you might not want to be around me. So with all this background on how my mind works, ALL of this would interfere with social situations. If I was out with friends and things changed, I could not just 'go with the flow'. I would be in a mood for the rest of the time, and couldn't snap out of it. I would think my friends would not be my friends anymore because I was just so mean or something. My boyfriend and I would argue because I'd never let him talk. I'd get mad when things didn't go as planned, and when he would try and compromise, I didn't want to hear it. I was stubborn. I felt my relationship slipping out of my hands. All because of this ADHD. This stupid, stupid disorder that I felt was just an excuse. I've spent nights crying because I thought I was alone. No one understood what I was going through, because when someone says they have ADHD, people think "Oh, you're just really fidgety and hyper." Well you're sadly mistaken, my friend. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone. That way things could go my way, no one would get hurt, I wouldn't get hurt, and the world would be a peaceful place.
In the midst of battling with the aforementioned, my grades were still great as ever. I managed to kick out a 3.5 GPA by the end of the fall in my second year, and I had finally decided what to do with my life: I wanted to (do something) in the computer security field. AND I had finally decided on a 4 year institution: Frostburg State University with a major in secure computing and information assurance. While my personal life was falling apart, I felt a rush of confidence come through me, and I felt my life was finally on the right path. Everything was going to be okay... right?
My second year into college, I'm feeling like I've got this college thing down. It also helped that I was joined by my boyfriend (he had spent a year talking to colleges that decided not to take him or cost too much). He had started college that year and we took a couple classes together, others not together. We developed a routine that helped me manage my work, and in turn also helped him. We would go to school, go to my house after, and do our homework for the day (a work now, play later idea). This helped me focus on my school work, space out my study times, and get what I needed to do done. But things started taking a turn for the worse.
While my grades were looking great, my social life was crumbling, including my relationship. In learning more about my ADHD, I would begin to pick up on things that were a clear sign "oops, that was the ADHD talking." Having ADHD meant I was impulsive. If someone was talking and a really cool thought popped in my head, i would interrupt them and burst out with what I had to say, because what I had to say was more important. Well, that gets annoying to some people, go figure. So much could be going on in a situation (this is called stimulation) that my emotions would sky rocket; whether it makes me mad, sad, or overly excited, and I'd have no control over it. If something didn't go as planned and things needed to be moved or changed, my mind could not and would not process such change. If it was set in my head this was going to happen today, it better happen today, or you might not want to be around me. So with all this background on how my mind works, ALL of this would interfere with social situations. If I was out with friends and things changed, I could not just 'go with the flow'. I would be in a mood for the rest of the time, and couldn't snap out of it. I would think my friends would not be my friends anymore because I was just so mean or something. My boyfriend and I would argue because I'd never let him talk. I'd get mad when things didn't go as planned, and when he would try and compromise, I didn't want to hear it. I was stubborn. I felt my relationship slipping out of my hands. All because of this ADHD. This stupid, stupid disorder that I felt was just an excuse. I've spent nights crying because I thought I was alone. No one understood what I was going through, because when someone says they have ADHD, people think "Oh, you're just really fidgety and hyper." Well you're sadly mistaken, my friend. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone. That way things could go my way, no one would get hurt, I wouldn't get hurt, and the world would be a peaceful place.
In the midst of battling with the aforementioned, my grades were still great as ever. I managed to kick out a 3.5 GPA by the end of the fall in my second year, and I had finally decided what to do with my life: I wanted to (do something) in the computer security field. AND I had finally decided on a 4 year institution: Frostburg State University with a major in secure computing and information assurance. While my personal life was falling apart, I felt a rush of confidence come through me, and I felt my life was finally on the right path. Everything was going to be okay... right?
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