Let's start from the beginning
I'm pretty new to this, but I decided to create a blog to try and cope with a disorder I have had since I was 4 years old: Attention Deficit Hyper-active Disorder (ADHD). This disorder prevents me from focusing on a certain task for a long period of time. Depending on how interested I am in the task, my attention span could last about 10 minutes, before my mind wonders off into space, taking all focus off the task and onto "why is that cloud shaped that way?"
Let's go back to when I was first diagnosed. I was in pre-k when I started showing signs of ADHD. As my mom tells me every time I ask, my teacher had talked to her during a parent teacher conference, telling her, "I've never had a student who has to stand at her desk and dance while she colors." That may seem normal for any 4 year old child, but I, for the life of me, could not stay in my seat when it came time for assignments such as coloring or writing my alphabet. From then on, I was put on medication. As a child, you do not know yourself, you do not understand your own actions, because you are a child; you don't have a care in the world. So being put on medication, I thought nothing of it.
Fast forward to middle school. I went through the normal identity crisis just like everyone else; finding out what clothes were my style, what music I listen to, boy troubles, puberty, everything. With all this stimulation going on, I was still on my medication. Since pre-k, the doctor and I had been playing around with different brands of medication: adderall, stratera, ritalin, and concerta (I may have butchered the spellings lol). So jumping from medicine to medicine was a little stressful. Here's why. I believe I was on adderall rounding out middle school. Something most people do not know about ADHD medication is while it helps one focus better on tasks, it has A LOT of side effects; some good, some bad. This medication would make me angry. While on the medication, the smallest disturbance in my day could, and most likely would, put me in a bad mood for the remainder of the day. For instance, I could be running late for the bus and end up missing the bus, causing me to be late to school. If someone were to try and talk to me, a simple "hello", I would give them a glare and walk away. Something even smaller such as running out of lead in my mechanical pencil and having to use the teacher's stubby wooden pencil, would ruin my day. People did not want to be around me. I felt socially awkward because I did not know how to relate to the other kids around me because all I wanted to do was be alone when I was on this medication. This was one of the worse side effects I had to deal with, and still deal with to this day, but I'll get to that later. I think the only positive outcome of this medicine was that it helped me focus on my school work, and it suppressed my appetite, so I almost never ate throughout the day, which allowed me to manage my weight. But I ate everything in sight around dinner time (which was around the time the medicine wore off). I struggled hard with my medicine. I would explain to my friends why I am the way that I am, and they just would not understand. And the days I would forget to take my medicine, I would freak out. "Oh my gosh, I'm not going to be able to focus in class. I'm going to act out. I can't afford another office referral for my behavior." These were the thoughts that went through my head... as well as "what was my mom cooking for dinner tonight?" and "I wonder how they get the paper fortune into a fortune cookie." And then there were the days where I would lie to my mom and tell her I took it, but didn't. I would rebel against the ADHD and say "look, this is me, and I am NOT taking this stupid pill." I would try and control my impulsiveness... but that would not last long, and I would wind up with a referral to the office, and have to get myself out of trouble by telling them I "forgot" to take my medicine. So they would have to call my mom, and have her leave work to go home, bring me my medicine, and then go back to work. So the next day, I would be back on my medicine.
Going into high school, I told my mom, " I want to start high school, without the need for medication." She was surprised but felt I was making a mature decision to to better myself. (For the sake of length, I'll shorten this portion of this blog entry). Basically, I began to find myself. I met amazing people and made amazing new friends, some of which I am still very close with to this day. I woke up one day and decided to try out for softball, which was huge for me because I was shy, quiet, and reserved when it came to things like this. But I made the varsity team my freshman year. However, my grades started to slip, but for some reason I didn't care; I was myself for once. I am a very outgoing, up beat, and friendly person. I considered myself popular because I knew and grew up with everyone in my high school, and could talk to anyone, even the quiet ones who came to school, sat in the corner in class, and went home when the day was over. My senior year, I became the wrestling manager, and met more amazing people, especially my current boyfriend who has been there for me when I needed him most. I had a blast at prom with the most amazing date (my boyfriend) and ended up graduating as a B average student; I managed to keep up a GPA of 3.1 and higher, never below. (I was happy with that) And I did all this WITHOUT being on medication. I felt accomplished. I felt whole; like a real person. I felt like I had overcome this disorder they call ADHD, and I was done with it for good. That is, until I started my first year of college...
Let's go back to when I was first diagnosed. I was in pre-k when I started showing signs of ADHD. As my mom tells me every time I ask, my teacher had talked to her during a parent teacher conference, telling her, "I've never had a student who has to stand at her desk and dance while she colors." That may seem normal for any 4 year old child, but I, for the life of me, could not stay in my seat when it came time for assignments such as coloring or writing my alphabet. From then on, I was put on medication. As a child, you do not know yourself, you do not understand your own actions, because you are a child; you don't have a care in the world. So being put on medication, I thought nothing of it.
Fast forward to middle school. I went through the normal identity crisis just like everyone else; finding out what clothes were my style, what music I listen to, boy troubles, puberty, everything. With all this stimulation going on, I was still on my medication. Since pre-k, the doctor and I had been playing around with different brands of medication: adderall, stratera, ritalin, and concerta (I may have butchered the spellings lol). So jumping from medicine to medicine was a little stressful. Here's why. I believe I was on adderall rounding out middle school. Something most people do not know about ADHD medication is while it helps one focus better on tasks, it has A LOT of side effects; some good, some bad. This medication would make me angry. While on the medication, the smallest disturbance in my day could, and most likely would, put me in a bad mood for the remainder of the day. For instance, I could be running late for the bus and end up missing the bus, causing me to be late to school. If someone were to try and talk to me, a simple "hello", I would give them a glare and walk away. Something even smaller such as running out of lead in my mechanical pencil and having to use the teacher's stubby wooden pencil, would ruin my day. People did not want to be around me. I felt socially awkward because I did not know how to relate to the other kids around me because all I wanted to do was be alone when I was on this medication. This was one of the worse side effects I had to deal with, and still deal with to this day, but I'll get to that later. I think the only positive outcome of this medicine was that it helped me focus on my school work, and it suppressed my appetite, so I almost never ate throughout the day, which allowed me to manage my weight. But I ate everything in sight around dinner time (which was around the time the medicine wore off). I struggled hard with my medicine. I would explain to my friends why I am the way that I am, and they just would not understand. And the days I would forget to take my medicine, I would freak out. "Oh my gosh, I'm not going to be able to focus in class. I'm going to act out. I can't afford another office referral for my behavior." These were the thoughts that went through my head... as well as "what was my mom cooking for dinner tonight?" and "I wonder how they get the paper fortune into a fortune cookie." And then there were the days where I would lie to my mom and tell her I took it, but didn't. I would rebel against the ADHD and say "look, this is me, and I am NOT taking this stupid pill." I would try and control my impulsiveness... but that would not last long, and I would wind up with a referral to the office, and have to get myself out of trouble by telling them I "forgot" to take my medicine. So they would have to call my mom, and have her leave work to go home, bring me my medicine, and then go back to work. So the next day, I would be back on my medicine.
Going into high school, I told my mom, " I want to start high school, without the need for medication." She was surprised but felt I was making a mature decision to to better myself. (For the sake of length, I'll shorten this portion of this blog entry). Basically, I began to find myself. I met amazing people and made amazing new friends, some of which I am still very close with to this day. I woke up one day and decided to try out for softball, which was huge for me because I was shy, quiet, and reserved when it came to things like this. But I made the varsity team my freshman year. However, my grades started to slip, but for some reason I didn't care; I was myself for once. I am a very outgoing, up beat, and friendly person. I considered myself popular because I knew and grew up with everyone in my high school, and could talk to anyone, even the quiet ones who came to school, sat in the corner in class, and went home when the day was over. My senior year, I became the wrestling manager, and met more amazing people, especially my current boyfriend who has been there for me when I needed him most. I had a blast at prom with the most amazing date (my boyfriend) and ended up graduating as a B average student; I managed to keep up a GPA of 3.1 and higher, never below. (I was happy with that) And I did all this WITHOUT being on medication. I felt accomplished. I felt whole; like a real person. I felt like I had overcome this disorder they call ADHD, and I was done with it for good. That is, until I started my first year of college...
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